CRPS, or Complex Regional Pain Syndrome (Type 1), is a change in the nervous system that's usually triggered by a very painful episode. The bad kinds affect the brain, nerves, muscles, skin, metabolism, circulation, and fight-or-flight response. Lucky me; that's what I've got. ... But life is still inherently good (or I don't know when to quit; either way) and, good or not, life still goes on.

Monday, March 25, 2013

Frustration at the wall

I've had my nose shoved up against a wall for two and a half weeks now. It's very frustrating but it's the nature of this disease that, at times, I'm going to get stopped in my tracks, and I may not always understand why.
I have had less energy than I do now, but I have never had less motivation. Me? Unable to start something? This is so out of character that it's a bit like seeing Mother Teresa bite a kitten -- unfathomable.

Speaking of eating, I've been craving sugar so intensely I have truly felt like I'd lose my mind if I didn't eat sweets. I haven't had serious sugar cravings for almost a decade. That was one problem I never ever thought I'd be dealing with again. That's finally lightening up, thank goodness -- and thanks to some mental judo and nutritional first-aid. I can't take on any more weight or the pain in my feet will become unbearable, and my hips are already giving me hell.

I have great blog ideas, but getting them into words isn't happening. No... words... come... together. This is so strange I don't even need to elaborate. This is the first thing I've been able to write in weeks and it's not a blog, it's a tirade. Excuse me while I scream.

My muscles across my shoulders and upper back are so tightly knotted I can't do my exercises or qi gong or even more than a stroke or two of tai chi without that weird warping sensation when the muscles pull my moves awry -- and then the nerves pull back and howl. Some activity would be better than none, but low as that bar is, I just can't make it over.

I got a break from my muscles last night when I loaded up on Flexeril (if you follow this blog, you know it's almost unheard-of for me to hit the CNS-affecting meds) but the lethargy, brain fog and stupidity this caused, for 18 hours afterwards, is hideously limiting in itself.

After trying to do my most basic stretches just now, I took another dose. I will NOT let this twisty locked-up posture become the new normal.

And somehow, nevertheless, I will function tomorrow enough to get my pills and get my gear and get my food for the day and get my sorry ass over to OT and PT and hope something can break through this maddeningly comprehensive barricade.

Needless to say, this is not my usual pleasant, mindful, lemons-into-lemonade sort of post.
This is me grabbing the damn lemons and throwing them right back, hoping to hear a few screams as they connect. 

In the fullness of time, I expect I'll be able to  find a trigger, or a clue, as to what exactly started this and how to avoid it in future.  I can't see it from here, and maybe this is the start of what I dread most: The Slide, the final descent into irresistible helplessness and incompetence.

But I think not. I'm too damn angry to give it that much room.

Let's see what happens next. My money's on the chunky blonde with the harsh mouth and crappy attitude. 
... And the new kitten...

3 comments:

  1. My money's on the glamorous, tough, savy, super smart cookie and her teeny tiny familiar... sound familiar? (TeeHee) You will prevail. Especially with a little help from your friends, including the fluffy one.

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    Replies
    1. Without my friends, I wouldn't be here :)

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  2. I wonder sometimes if these walls are part of the lymbic system side of CRPS? For those of us who normally are very intrinsically driven (myself included), these funks come on so strong and out-of-nowhere! There are times I find myself blazing hot mad at someone over NOTHING and that's just not my personality in the norm! Certain meds probably don't help either but sheesh...the emotional lability can be exhausting in and of iteself!

    la·bile
    adjective /ˈlāˌbīl/  /-bəl/ 

    * Liable to change; easily altered
    * Of or characterized by emotions that are easily aroused or freely expressed, and that tend to alter quickly and spontaneously; emotionally unstable
    * Easily broken down or displaced

    I've had major fights with "demotivation" and I've been writing a lot about it lately because, like you, I'm normally very motivated, can make goals and stick to them...and lately it's been worse than pulling teeth! You're not alone...not by a long shot!

    Hugs!

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